Hippo Bordie to silme and purplevenus!

Happy Birthday to the wonderful reprobayt

Hippo Birdie to olliesmama and endora777!

So, no I'm not pregnant. That, while unexpected, would be welcome. Stressful but welcome.

No, I went a couple weeks ago for dental work. Which they wouldn't do, because my blood pressure was high.

Now, my blood pressure has never been high. But I called what felt like a million doctors, none of whom could see me until September. And I had the nurse at work take it the next day, which confirmed the diastolic at least (the bottom number) was high. So I went to her doctor last Weds, and indeed it was quite high. 160's over 100's.

So now I'm on meds, which see to be helping. I was lightheaded all day yesterday at work at 120's over 90's. But I know enough to realize all the consequences, so I'm really scared.

And I very much resent that despite all my hard work, weight loss, and effort that I have to deal with this as well. Plus I still have to deal with the dental work I didn't get done, the car and house problems, and my job. I honestly don;t know what I'm gonna do or how I'm gonna get everything done. But I will.

Goddess knows I've been through worse.

Once again my body horribly betrays me when it's the last thing I need.

Happy Birthday to elena23

Happy birthday to tinuvial!

I am officially in a bad mood.

In addition to the aforementioned in my last post. My bday started with a dog running in front of my car. I couldn't stop in time. I did manage to find the owner and get them both on the way to the vet before coming to work.

Work Friday sucked. I was on call all weekend including a 2 hr round trip to the hospital to see a single baby.

Bday/anniversary dinner was good but too expensive. Which would be fine, except that for Dad's day Jason's dad picked a very expensive restaurant despite being told we were low on money.

Plus something went wonky of the way to said dinner with J's car, so we'll have to get that checked out and fixed.

Tiggr's eye is oozing so he goes to the vet today. Let's hope it's neither too serious nor too expensive.

Add all of this to the $300 power bill becuase part of our A/C isn't working and our roomie did not turn it off like I told him to do.

And it won't get fixed becuase our friend who often does such things is too busy to come look at it.

Basically, I'm sick and tired of working so bloody hard to keep falling further behind because I'm an idiot who is taking care of far too many people while it feels like no one is taking care of me.

...you guys are so sweet.

My heart felt thanks to everyone who took a second to type/text/call me a happy birthday.

A special thanks to my sister, who sang to me on my voicemail just like mom used to do *smilesniff*

We're off to dinner to celebrate the day, which is also our five year anniversary.

Happy birthday to 2redpath5 today and shaddragon tomorrow!

Fans apparently do not like me this month. First the A/C fan for our upstairs stopped working. Waiting for a friend to come look at that.

Then the fan on J's graphics card started making a grinding noise, which he woke me up for at 3 am on Sat. Several phone calls and some research later, I fixed that last night.

Then yesterday my A/C in my car totally stopped working. I think it's out of freon but I'm honestly not sure what the problem is. Wonder how expensive that's gonna be?

Add all of this to the speeding ticket yesterday, it really hasn't been the best b-day/ anniversary week.

;p

Whoa, skip=350. Y'all are prolific. I'm sure I missed something, so if you want me to look at something specific, leave me a link in comments. Here are a few tidbits that needed saying so:

1)Barring a real plan for New Moon, I'll be staying home and getting things back in order after my trip.

2)waywalker and elena23, I'm sorry things are stressful right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

3)ocean_song, coingrats sweetie! Good thoughtd heading your way.

4) I have a ton of stuff I was gonna give to goodwill, but if anyone can tell me a way to get it to the Hinds yardsale, that'd be even better.

5)Frank Lloyd Wright legos are AWESOME!

6)If anyone has a spare Dreamwidth code, that'd be awesome!

7)Watching other people play D&D is very very boring. I have no less than 3 ways to amuse myself (book, crochet, iPhone) and I still want to pace.

Very tired but all packed and heading out to the airport. Will be in Philly, NYC, and Belleville NJ. Don't know how much I'll post, but be good one and all!

The day actilially turned out much better than I thought it would. Once we got there and ok the coasters my mood lifted, and by the 2nd one I was having a grand time. Now we're back at J's mom's place about to watch a movie.

Today has been a bad day. Mostly internally, but still.

I couldn't get to sleep last night, because for some reason I was obsessed with finding my knife with celtic knotwork on it. I've seen it exactly once since we moved. I was so glad to find it that I put it somewhere safe, and now I can't find it to save my life. I've looked absolutely everywhere in this house. I was so upset that I spent several hours crying in bed alone. Needless to say, I couldn't get to sleep until sometime after 2 AM.

Of course, it wasn't really about that. It was more about all the things and people that have disappeared in my life, never to retur, despite my best efforts.

For some reason, I'm having a really hard time with Mother's Day this year. Not looking forward to having to celebrate it with J. and his mom.

Spent the day depressed and weepy.

Had to work anyway of course and on very little sleep. *SIGH*

Anyone in the ATL going to the VNV concert at the masquerade in July? I'm thinking about going, but concerts are always more fun with company!

Ya know, when I have an 8 PM appointment only bout a 1/2 hour from my job and I'm supposed to get off at 5 PM, why is it unreasonable to think I might be able to have time for a relaxed sandwich and a cup of coffee. Instead, I had 2 hours when I was scheduled for 8+ patients per hour, including the last hour of the day.

I just got home now. I'm exhausted and beyond frustrated.

Hippo Birdie to the fabulous and sexy paldin43!!!

My godamned unwanted roommate started a fire on the porch and melted the siding. Didn't even apologize or offer to pay for the repairs. Fuckin wanker! Great, one more ducking thing to deal with, justxwhat I bloody needed.

Happy Birthday to the sweet and cuddle dj_cub!

Lovely gray Sunday afternoon, and the air smells of rain. My newly blooming star lily wafts it's scent acroos the tin-roofed porch where the puppies and I sit happily anticipating.

Happy birthday to my beautiful and talented sister serendipitygrey!

Damn it one of the lil germ carriers gave me Strep throat despite hand washing and antibacterial spray. Just picked up an antibiotic script. Sadly too bust at work to go home. :(

I realize I have been remiss in posting, so before I get poked by the Clue by Four, here ya go.



So how am I? Up and down. Very overwhelmed by a variety of things both external and internal. Finding it hard to do things like schedule a hair cut and get a doctor less than a 2 hr drive from my house. So let break things down.

Home: Still love it. In pretty good shape but in need of some major spring cleaning, most of which has fallen on to J's shoulders since he is not working. Some weeks he does better than others.

I am debating between getting the small appliances we need like a pressure washer and leaf blower for ourselves vs. hiring a lawn service to take care of it all for us. Perhaps I can find a teenager or someone else whose parents have these things to do it, thus employing them and not buying them at the same time. Frankly, most of the commercial places want an obscene amount to come walk around blowing leaves off my acre of and and into the creek. Please feel free to weigh in with opinions.

I did spend yesterday getting the front yard into better shape. Bushes all trimmed (yes, yes double entendre), leaves gotten up (which I always leave for spring since our one tree in the front is an oak and doesn't let go of its leaves until it starts to bud), and front garden weeded and mulched. Of course I still have the 2 much larger back gardens to plan/plant/deal with getting into shape.

Pets: Tiggr is still alive and kicking and getting snugglier in his old age. The puppies are still cute and annoying by turns and are currently sitting in a sun spot on the porch as I type.

Money: I can pay the bills and am working on saving up for Dragon*Con and the trip up north for my sister's graduation. 2 of the 3 credit cards are paid off as well as J's car. Having trouble paying off the last one as things like fried computers keep popping up. Really want to get this done so that i can put more energy into paying off out student loans. The goal is to have the cards paid off in the next few months and everything but the mortgage gone in the next few years. Then I can start saving up more of a cushion for bad times and putting away for retirement again.

Work: Up and Down. Finally got my hospital privileges, which means I get to go see babes again. On one hand, it takes a load off my boss and I like seeing newborns. On the other, it mens driving down to Jonesboro on my call weekends if we have a baby assigned to us. Also,at this point I am seeing half to 2/3 of the patients most days which is very tiring. Some of the staff are annoyed by what they see as my propensity to be "obsessed" with my schedule. I really don't know what they expect since everyone they send back I have to deal with for a much loner period than they ever do. But at the request of my office manager, I'm staying in the back of the office seeing patients and studying when I have nothing else to do.

I think I need to remember that it's not my job to make them happy, but it is my job to do my job. Obviously, I shouldn't be rude or mean to anyone. But at the same time helping them out by doing small things (e.g. giving stickers to the kids instead of telling the nurse to do it like my boss does) doesn't really help anything in the end if they don't appreciate it or if it somehow makes them respect my less. I'd like to think we can all be friends, but realistically I'm coming to see that it often doesn't work that way. This work thing is very confusing to me sometimes.

Friends and family: Mostly good. Facebook has gotten me back in touch with much of my extended family, which i nice. My brother just had a 2nd child and I am working on crocheting her a lace blanket. Several of my friends are having a rough time right now, but others are starting to come out of it. I'm looking forwards to getting to see both of my sibs and my best friend from med school next month when I go up North. slightly jealous that my friend from med school is moving up to the area I went to college in, to which I always wanted to return while she thought she'd stay in NYC forever. Really strange the way life works out sometimes.

Relationship Mostly good though of course it has its rough patches. J is rather sensitive about not working, but doesn't let that stopping him from spending somewhat large amounts bailing out our friends or showing them a good time even when we can't afford it. This can make me feel like just money source sometimes, but since we are both touchy for different reasons, it can be very difficult to talk about. But he's happy being home taking care of me and the house and in the end that's what matters. Also, I'm obsessed with the idea of being engaged. Not married, just engaged. Somehow it means he really wants me. Which is ridiculous since we're been together almost 5 years. But there you are. Combine that with the fact that J believed he must buy the ring with his own money, which he is not currently earning and things get a bit tense sometimes. Still, I love him dearly despite his faults, and vice versa. And that's pretty much as good as it gets.

Diet and Exercise One of the side effects of having an iPhone is all the cool lil apps that take over your life. The Lose It app, along with J's mom giving us an exercise bike has lead me to start actually concentrating on getting back in to shape. At this point, I'm tracking everything I eat or drink as best I can given that J cooks most of our meals. I'm also working out 4-5 days a week on the bike which does have a resistance setting so it serves as cardio as well as strength training. At some point, I'll have to add something upper body as well but I haven't figured that part out yet. So far I've lost over 8 lbs in about a month. Not nearly enough and I can get discouraged when I think how far I have to go or on the rare week where I don't lose as much. But at least it's something.

Da Boards Pretty much the last sword of Damocles hanging over my head, and boy will I be relieved when it's over. Peds is supposed to be a particularly hard specialty board and I'm terrified of failing even though I've never failed a single test in my entire life. I spend 5 plus hours a week studying between what I get done at work during lunch or other down times and what i do at home after work at least 5 days a week. On my off weekends, I try not to study so I get an actual break but on the weekends that I'm on call I do put in some time every day. I'm combining several methods of studying involving text books, info from the board review class I took last year, online questions, and a review book I have yet to purchase. It's very slow going but I plod along.

Sadly, between work, working out, and studying it leaves very little time for relaxing or fun. Sometimes, I get a bit twitchy since all duty and no play makes me feel like a martyr and makes me very very grumpy. J does his best to make sure I relax and do something indulgent or fun every day whether it's a TV show, a glass of wine, a snuggle or buying myself something I want. It helps, but not always enough especially when it's been a bad day at work and then I have to come home, log food, do chores, work out and study. Blech!

So there you go, the totality of where I am now. I'm gonna go get that text book and sit on the porch listening to the creek while I study some more. enjoy the great weather!

I have an FM transmitter that I no longer need. It works with both the iPod and the original iPhone as a transmitter and charger. For the iPhone 3G, it will work as a transmitter, but won't charge.

Free to first person who replies. We can arrange a pick up or I can mail it to you. If I don't hear anything by Monday, i'll put it up on Freecycle.

Ten seconds ago it was dark outside and sleeting, but windy. It's now bright and sunny with no sign of the sleet, but still windy. Flippin' GA weather.

Yes, I'm still alive. And blessedly alone right now.

No, I'm not in the best place. Life right now consists pretty much of work, sleep, exercise and food tracking, boards studying and being ignored by friends. That last is probably an exaggeration, but tis how I'm feeling.

As I'm grumpy and buried under duties and no fun, which makes Sarah a very disgruntled girl, I won't say mush else. I guess this is more of a PSA than anything else.

Waiting somewhat anxiously for a credentialling meeting at the hospital for my current job. They have me here in case there are questions about my residency at Emory.

Some days I wonder if it will ever end.

I really really want to go see The Pogues on Monday, but I can't find tickets online for love or money! Gol durn it, I'll get dressed up all sexy and everything. *pout*

Happy birthday to the much loved brennabe!

First, I'm very tired.

Second, for the 12-13h day of the last 15, I left work late again.

Third, on the way out my iPhone dropped and the screen cracked.

Fourth, despite many many phone calls and help from bheansidhe, i can either try to fix it myself at a cost of 70-140 plus dollars but invalidate the warranty or take it to Apple and get a new one at a cost of 250 dollars.

Fifth, due to a web site blip, my good cost tickets to Philly for my sisters graduation and had to re-order with a different airline at an increased cost of 100 dollars.

Sixth, J and I got in a tiff, which combined with everything else left me a crying wreck.

Seventh, I still had to pay the bills.

Eighth, I was too nauseous to eat dinner. So far, just an apple.

Last, the final glimmer of hope re: iPhone was killed because it had been too long since I purchased it.

So now it's off to bed after something else to eat. I really wish I could have a redo or that I'd taken the mental health day I so badly wanted this AM.

Waaaaaaah no snow day for me. All the kids are off but not the doctor.

I really could have used it since I got caught up in a book and stayed up far too late reading. Oh well, at least the bread and the bday cake for my office manager got made.

It snowing and beautiful outside, which makes me very happy. Jason and I just got back from running errands in nice quiet stores and a nice quiet cup of clam chowdah. Now I'm curled up with a puppy and a blanket watching Mythbusters and Doctor Who. Perhaps there will be hot cocoa soon!

Having finally gotten paid, even if a bit late, last week and having made it through my month sans break, j and I headed out last weekend to finally get me an exercise bike. I'd been putting it off due to money and such things but it was time. I figured we'd just go to the mall, but J thought the prices would be lower elsewhere, so we headed for the Sports Authority in Hiram. On the way there, I told him to call his mom since she lived near-by. I randomly mentioned why we were out her way only to hear "But I have one just sitting in the basement!"

Shocked and amazed, we changed direction. We ended up having a nice leisurely visit and dinner with her and her partner, Ali. The next day, they returned the visit and delivered the bike, so we cooked them a very nice dinner. I used it last night for 30 min!

Really sometimes life amazes me. ;)

Out of touch for the weekend, so happy birthday to ashlupa, witchygreen, and amused_bouche!

Happy birthday to the beautiful and fabulous ashlupa!

After spending all day cloistered in her bedroom with Ms. O, she says "You've done me and done me well." *blush*

OK, folks so here it is.

I'm really damn exhausted and really damn strung out. Through a series of planning issues, a host of obligations, and the realities of my work, I am left with not one single day in an entire month, perhaps 6 weeks, off. No, not one day where I can sleep in, set my own schedule, or just relax. There was one, but it evaporated.

Add to this the winter rush in my field (46 patients seen just by lil ol' me yesterday), the bills, the longer hours due to the extra patients, my (reluctantly accepted) unemployed houseguest, studying for the most important exam of my career, and just life in general and I'm really not in the best mood.

So if I'm not calling, emailing, or responding it isn't that I don't care or don't like you. It is that I'm lucky if I can find 1/2 hour free and I tend to spend that staring in to space like the frain-bried tired girl I am. Please take this in to account when I don't come to your event, don't answer your evite, or am a bit short in emails.

I am doing my best to avoid being short in real life, but at this point I can make no promises.

OK, first post a clarification of my cryptic negative comment last week.

To sum up a very complicated situation, the stars aligned in a bad way that culminated in me being yelled at by my office manager for something I didn't even do. The situation seems to have blown over and things are ok at work.

Hippo Birdie to the always informative oji_watch and it's fantabulous namesake!

Sorry I was offline all weekend but Hippo birdie to the_junebug!

Happy Birthday to someone I'd like to get to know better, the_shantyman!

Some days are just not redeemable. I should have called in sick. Fuck all of them.

Details later when I can really post.

First the basics:

1) I didn't even know what racism was until I was in college. In a VERY general sense, I knew there were people who cared what race someone was, but no one I knew did and so it was just a strange concept to me. When it happened, I found the whole thing bewildering and sad. Oh yeah, and it pissed me the fuck off.

2) As glad a I am that our new president is a black man, I do not believe we've reached some pinnacle of racial equality. It's a step, a big step, but there's a very long road ahead of us.

3)I'm neither a republican nor a democrat. I'm socially pretty liberal, and fiscally pretty conservative. I take the words "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" VERY literally. They are the basis of everything that comes after and supersedes all of it, IMHO.

4)This is not a democracy, and it is certainly not a meritocracy. It's a form of federalism, technically and functions as such. This country was founded by people who did not believe the common man had the sense god gave a cat, and who limited the impact of the opinion of the masses could have on the running of the country.

Ok, the actual content:

1)Tax cuts: Not generally a "democratic party" priority, and in and of themselves neither a bane to the economy not a stimulus. I do resent the fact that I pay more of a percentage of my income in taxes than pretty much anyone who earns more than me. I'm in that limbo where you have to pay the taxed but can't afford the people who set up the dodges like trust funds, etc. My partner and I employ 10 people, but I harvest none of the benefits from that. Let's be clear. have no problem paying what I do in taxes, I just want others to do the same.

Tax cuts can either stimulate growth or limit it, depending on what people do with the money they "get back". And that's just it. If corporate tax breaks translated into more jobs, instead of just larger profits for a very few that's be fine. But we've had over 20 years of "trickle down" economics and it's failed miserably. So I sew nothing inherently wrong with Obama's tax plan and it may save the middle class, which is being phased out by the dual pressures of inflation and taxes.

2)Healthcare: I actually believe in very few rights, except for the above mentioned life, liberty....I don't think healthcare is a right, but in these days given the cost of getting even a simple cold, I do think it's a necessity. I see no reason, why in this country any child should be without basic insurance while CEO's earn millions and sports/movie stars billions. As far as I'm concerned, everyone should have health insurance. I also don't see why I should pay for Motrin for people who come in to my office wearing expensive brand name clothes and driving SUVs.

Anyone who spent any amount of time greater than minuscule studying healthcare economics knows that we spend much more dealing with the illnesses of the uninsured via emergency rooms and the transfer of costs to the insured than we would insuring the entire country. We also spend a huge amount employing people to administrate the large number of different medicaids/medicares than we would if there were one standard plan with at leas basic coverage. And as far as I'm concerned, that the bottom line. National health care would save the country money. End of story.

3)Abortion: It's a personal choice. I'd never have one but I have no call to tell other people how to live their lives. Not everyone is meant to be a parent. And before someone starts spouting off about adoption and other options, look as the population of the foster care system. Most of them weren't taken away from their parents, they were given away and could not be found homes. And before you start talking about abstinence or birth control, think about the average self control of any teenager you know and how huge the few dollars condoms (by far the cheapest option) would be to them. Granted, working adults have no excuse. BUt if you haven't been there, don't judge.

4)Economics: No we're not in a depression; yes we are in a recession and even the most conservative of economic pundits admitted that in late fall. While, in general, I believe that most american spend far more than they need to, spending nothing in fear of worse times to come only makes things worse. Assuming you have anything to spend at all. Once again, in and of themselves corporations and business owners are not evil. Though they often do things that are, at best, not good under the cloak of "it's not me it's the business". But no one, no matter how brilliant, ever built a successful enterprise by hard work alone. There is always a lot of luck involved in any success, and a host of things outside your control. Some of them can be overcome by a privileged background, the right connections, some person choosing to help you, or pure unadulterated sweat. But not all of them. Without some kind of break at some time, we could all be living very different lives.

I've been poor. We're not talking no iPod poor, but government cheese and absolutely no clothes that weren't hand me downs from family, friends, or a charity organization. Yes, my life is pretty good now and I worked very damn hard for it. But I was lucky enough to be born smarter than many, to have a mother who invested a lot of time and effort in us often to her own detriment, and to have a direction to go in. Plus I had lots of help, in ways large and small, along the way. Has the help been hindrance, I might be a welfare mom. It is the height of hubris to believe you made it all on your own. Since I have been lucky, it is my responsibility to help others as I can. Note the word choice- not as I want to but as I can. And I believe that every corporation and business man has the same responsibility, including providing either healthcare to their employees or paying the employees enough that they can both live decently and pay for their own healthcare.


OK, I guess I could go one for quite a while. But that's the major issues I've seen mentioned recently. I welcome discussion but all flaming comments will be deleted without benefit of reply.

I'm having kind of a rough time in my head lately, hence the lack of posting.

Under the cold light of reality, most of it is pretty minor but it doesn't feel that way. I'm too embarrassed to even write it down frankly. But I'm still here, alive, and hanging on.

Happy birthday to the wonderful and feisty waywalker!

Happy Birthday to ladysiri!

Happy Birthday to the lovely dark_blade!

Well, after 5 days of horrible pain I finally took a sick day today.

I tried all the usual things, even a muscle relaxant. So I went to see an actual chiropractor, and dragged J. along.

MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH better.

So, some of y'all apparently want to know what is actually going on in my so-called life. This was much harder to write than I thought. The only way I can coherently think or write about any of it is to break it down into bits:

Spiritual: This part of my life is coming along slowly. I'm rereading Selu along with a book about Cherokee herbs. I'm still trying to better define my place in the circle and how to combine it with my current vocation. I somehow need to find time to fit in more meditation, and I'd love to find a teacher (my current one is retiring/eldering) but as my path is so nebulous I may have to combine several people somehow.

Mental- Yeah, this is very up and down. Same old fights in my head, different year. Still have a intermittent, tenuous truce with my body. Still with the self esteem. Slowly healing from the residency trauma. Working on worrying less and feeling less guilty in therapy. I'm still on meds and may be forever, which is a depressing thought. I always feel like I'm not doing enough in my job, for my friends, and at home. If I fill out forms, feed, give a place to live, listen and counsel in crisis, etc well there is always someone with more time (or energy) who can be there every second, drive people around, etc. I have no idea what enough would be though. *shrug*

Physical- Eh, I'm getting old. I ache; I'm tired. I have less stamina than I used to and less patience for stupidity. I need to lose weight, which will hopefully alleviate the joint pain and reflux. I'm stuck with the allergies and depressive tendencies though. Feh. I'm hoping to get back to the yoga soon and am about to buy and exercise bike so I can work out at home.

Family- My brother and his wife are having a second child. My sister is finishing up her degree. My relationships with them fluctuate and at this point I think they're much closer to each other than either one is to me. I have no idea how I could fix that, since it seem mostly to do with proximity. Still, mostly we're all living very separate lives. I've gotten back in tough with several extended family members, which is nice but there's no depth to the relationship. So I'm left with mostly:

Friends- I have some wonderful friends here in the ATL. Sadly some of them are leaving for parts far away soon. *pout* And some of them seem to have no time for me right now. But I know if I really needed any of them, I could call. And that means a lot.

Relationship- Things with J. are better than ever right now. We are stronger as a couple than we've ever been, and enjoying our time together. He seems to be happy being home, and as long as we can pay the bills and he doesn't get bored that's just fine with me.

Money- We can pay all the bills, and we're paying down our debt. Sometimes I feel like we'll never get out of debt, but I just deep working at it.

Work- Work is absolute madness right now. Especially today. I've been on call since 8 AM and I've already gotten like 15 calls. The days are long, the call is even longer. Overall I still like it though. The office staff is nice; my boss is even nicer. I hope I'll be there for a long time.

Fun- Not much time for fun right now. Last weekend J and I finally managed to see Madagascar II. It was very funny. New Year's Eve and Day were fun and spent with good friends. I'm looking forward to several events this month.